petergabriel.com

What do you call a lunatic who's always on time? A lunatoc.

:-]

What's the difference between a stupid person and a mad one? The stupid person doesn't know 3 and 3 is 6, the mad one knows it but it really annoys him.

This is my favourite joke of all time, its a bit long(took nearly 40 mins just to type), but well worth a read. Its called The Master of the Witty Reply: One day a circus comes to town. The whole town is buzzing as its been a long while since they had any entertainment round these parts. So as the circus is busy setting up the tent and sideshows, 2 clowns are outside juggling, telling jokes and just drumming up interest. They have attracted a small crowd of townsfolk, who are all gathered round enjoying the show. One of the clowns notices a guy in the crowd who's wearing a long velvet cape, and looks a little out of place. He turns to his mate, and says " look like we have a live one here, lets have some fun". So they walk over to the guy in the crowd. The first clown says "good day sir, and who might you be?" to which the guy in the cape replies " I am the brother of the master of the witty reply". Now this only serves to amuse the clown even more, and he turns to his mate and gives a sly wink. " In that case sir I have a riddle for you. Are you the front of a fool?" The man thinks a moment and then replies"no clown I am not". "Well then" says the clown, " are you the back of a fool", again the man thinks briefly and then replies " no clown I am not" , the clown then turns to his mate who gives him a big smile and a thubs up sign, sensing the punchline, and then turns back to the guy and says with a big beaming grin" well then sir, you are no end of a fool". The crowd double up with laughter, as the man in th cape goes bright red with embarressment. He then turns to the clown and says, " my brother, the master of the witty reply will be here tomorrow at noon. Be here" and with that he turns and storms off through the crowd. Well, when the next day arrives the whole town is out. everyone has heard about the confrontation, and no one wants to miss anything. The 2 clowns are out again, juggling and telling jokes. All of a sudden 2 men dressed in capes appear from out of the crowd, and walk up to the 2 clowns. " Good day sirs" says the first clown, " and who might you be?"The taller and older of the 2 men replies" I am this mans brother " I am The Master of the Witty Reply", at this point the crowd goes quiet, all straining to hear what happens next. "Well in that case, sir I have a riddle for you. Are you the front of a fool?" The man thinks a moment and then responds " no clown I am not". The clown give his mate a wink and continues "Well then are you the back of a fool?" to which the man replies " no clown I am not". At this point the crowd know whats coming, and are shouting " go on clown, stick it to him", the clown looks at his mate for the final encouragement, and then turns and says " well then sir you are no end of a fool", to which the crowd erupt in fits of laughter. The man stands, his face turning more and more red with embarressment as each seconds passes. He searches for a deep meanful reply, something which will cut this clown to his soul and regain some of his pride. Then slowly he turns to the clown and says " fuck off you red nosed bastard" and turns and away! :-] :-]

what's had braids and goes "AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" stevie wonder picking up the iron thinking it was the telephone. ok. call the police. i'll be at home most of the day.

:-] A good one

>>>BUMP

Bush comes to a Russian hotel, where he finds a plate full of buttons. The hotel owner tells him: 'Look, you can have fun with all the buttons all night long, except for the red one. Never push the red button.' Bush did as he was told, but he couldn't help not pushing the red one, eventually. Then a bunch of guys came in his room and beat him. He was happy he knew what does the red button do. A few days later, the Russian President comes to an American hotel - the same plate. The hotel owner tells him not to push the red button. He finally pushed it, as he couldn't refrain. Nothing happened. He pushed it again and again. Next day, he boards the plane and tells the pilot: 'Please, take me to Moscow.' 'What Moscow?'

rude joke (my appologies if this offends) " a cat and a rooster are walkin along a river, the cat falls in and the rooster is besidehimself with laughter. moral of the story? wherever there is a wet pussy there is a happy cock!" what????????????? i did warn u :-]

that would be "what has braids. . . " up there. shees. pass the coffee.

An icecream salesman was discovered dead and covered in hundreds and thousands. Police think he may have topped himself. :-]

Apparently the following verbal exchange took place between Lady Astor and Sir Winston Churchill. Mr Churchill you are drunk! And you madam are ugly! However, in the morning I will be sober!

I worry about my grandma, at home all alone. If she falls and no ones there, does she make a sound?

Jokes from my 10 year old: What do you call a Fly with no wings? A Walk!! What do you call a Spider with no legs? A Current! What do you call a fish with no Eye(I) A Fssssh! What do you call a Bee going backwards A ZZUB! What do you call a Dinosaur with one eye? Do-you-think-e-saurus!!!! Enough!!!!! :-] :-] :-]

two rednecks were out a-huntin', jeb and cletis. cletis looked toward jeb's house through his rifle scope, and made an unwitting discovery. "jeb", says cletis, "i can see plumb into your bedroom, and i can see your wife in bed with another feller." so jeb says, "well do me a favor. shoot my wife in the head, and shoot him in the private parts." "well, jeb", said cletis, "i reckon i can get them both in one shot!" - eddie -

a crusty old man walks into a real estate office and says to an female agent, "i want to sell my god damn house." to which the astonished female agent replies, "i beg your pardon, sir; i must have misunderstood you. what did you say?" "listen up, damn it. i said i want to sell my f-u-c-k-i-n-g house!" "i'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this office." so saying, the agent goes over to the officer broker to tell him about her situation. they both return and the broker asks the old geezer, "what seems to be the problem here?" "there's no goddamn problem," the man says, "i want to sell my f-u-c-k-i-n-g ten million dollar home." "i see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"